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Skilganon the White
07-06-2005, 07:39
Old Haniel sucked in his breath. The boy was perfect. He had never witnessed such perfection performed in the Sword Dance by
any one before. His every stroke fluid and graceful, every precise move executed with deadly accuracy. He was a marvel to
behold. Old Haniel felt his chest swell with pride. He is my nephew, he thought. And only 16 summers! Soon he can compete in the
Winter Festival, and win it too by the gods! Chuckling to himself, the old woodsman stepped into the glade. The boy's twin sabers
whirled to a stop.

"Very pretty Sung, very pretty. But pretty sword work won't stop a Charr raider, will it?" said Han, arms folded across his chest.

"Uncle Han! You've been spying on me! No one's supposed to see my new routine. I want to surprise the Festival judges. Hopefully
then I can beat Jian." Grinning widely Sung gripped arms with Han.

"Oh I have no doubt you will win, lad. I have never seen a better sword-dancer in my whole life, and I've lived a long one." Sung
beamed with pride. Uncle Han was a man of few words, and fewer praises. In one swift movement, Sung sheathed his blades. Wiping perspiration off his body, he noticed the old woodsman's brows were furrowed in thought.

"What's wrong Uncle? You look troubled. Come with me back to the village. Besides..." he glanced at his feet shyly, "tomorrow I will wed Yun." Turning in barely concealed excitement Sung gushed, "There will be wine, song and dance tonight! I will not let you miss it!"

Old Han had to grin at his nephew's excitement. He could see the love and joy shining from Sung's eyes as he talked on about his beloved Yun. He had watched them grow up together, from childhood playmates to shy lovers, the bond between them growing from friendship to love and to something even more. Old Han could not describe it, but it seemed that when Sung and Yun were together they formed an inseparable whole. He recalled an incident when Yun was still a young girl, and had gone to look for herbs in the forest. She had twisted her ankle and had fallen down a ravine. Somehow Sung had known, and had led a rescue party unerringly to the spot where she had fallen. If there ever was a match made in heaven, Old Han thought, then he has had the pleasure of witnessing one. Ah! To be young and in love again. Then his thoughts darkened.

"I have seen signs of Charr in the lower hill valleys. It does not bode well. I do not like the thought of those savages sniffing around our mountains." Old Han confided.

"The last trader that came to our village reported them attacking the plains villages and towns past the Northern Wall, where the pillage is rich... why would they come to our mountains? All we have are goats!" Sung laughed.

"Because these monsters are never satisfied. They always want more blood. After they have overrun the plains provinces, then who will be next?" said Old Han. "We must take precautions."

"Put such dreary thoughts aside Uncle, and come enjoy a jug of wine with…" Suddenly Sung clasped his stomach and doubled over in pain.

"What...???!!" Old Han stopped and looked up into the sky. Smoke, great pillars of black smoke were rising into the air ahead of them. "The village!" he shouted, "it's on fire!"

"Noooo... Yun! She's hurt!" gasped Sung. He struggled to his feet and started sprinting towards the village. "Wait!" cried the old man, and ran after the boy. As they neared the village, he could hear screams of pain and sounds of battle coming from the village.
The crackling fires cast an eerie glow in the dusk that was settling around them and he could make out battle-armored barbarians milling around the entrance of the village. With a superhuman effort, Old Han managed to lunge and tackle Sung to the ground, and pulled him into the thick bushes outside the village palisades.

"Shhhhh! Sung! Those are Charr Blade warriors!" hissed Old Han as he tried to keep the boy down.

"Yun..." groaned Sung. "She ... she's in there!"

"I know boy! We have to warn the other villages! We..." Sung had gone still. Old Han looked down into the eyes of the boy and shivered. The pain was gone, so was that spark of youth and life he had so admired just now. It was replaced by ... death. It was not fury or vengeance, it was the look of someone who had lost his reason to live. It was then that Old Han knew he would never
see his beloved nephew again.

"You go Uncle. I have to find Yun." And Sung stood up. Quietly he drew his blades and started walking, slowly, towards the village. "Boy…!" cried Old Han, and he wept.

Sung walked serenely up to the village gates. An Charr raider left to guard the gates looked up in surprise and died with its throat slashed. Another died before his sword had even cleared his scabbard. He entered the village. The smell of blood and charred corpses was everywhere. Ahead of him, in the middle of the village-square, he saw a huge pile of dead. The monsters were stil heaping corpses onto it, preparing a macabre pyre. No one seemed to notice him as he started towards the mound. Then someone somewhere around him let out a bellow of surprise, and suddenly there were Charr beasts all around him with their axes and blades out. So Sung started to dance.

Like a whirlwind, he tore through the Charr, his blades slashing, parrying and stabbing relentlessly. In his mind he danced for Yun, a smile on his face as raiders died all around him, unable to penetrate his spinning blades. But for each he killed two took the beast’s place. Sung did not care. They were just obstacles in his path towards Yun. He did not feel pain as their swords slashed his body, nor did he weaken as blood started flowing down his face from a scalp wound and a dozen other places. He just kept on dancing his beautiful dance of death.

A huge, muscular Charr Axe fiend stood between him and the mound, wielding a huge axe as if it was a toy. Grinning at Sung through his mouthful of yellowed fangs, it charged, swinging its axe like a scythe. Sung blocked the axe with his left blade, and felt rather than saw it break in half. Any sane man would have dropped the broken sabre and dived away. Sung let the momentum carry him forward as the axe smashed into his right shoulder, then stabbed the broken sabre into the beast's throat. It died drowning in its own blood, with a puzzled look on its bestial face. He was finally at the mound.

Sung dropped to his knees and started digging through the pile of dead. A Charr warrior stepped up behind him, sword raised to finish the job, but stopped as a voice rang out in the press of Charr warriors behind him.

"Leave him be." The crowd parted to admit a tall, massively muscled Charr, wearing the mantle of a Charr Warleader. "Leave him be!" It repeated in guttural common. He and his warriors watched in silence as the youth dug furiously through the corpses.

Sung was oblivious to everything around him. "Yun…" he kept mouthing her name. Then he found her, near the bottom of the pile, her beautiful eyes wide open in death, and her hand still clutching the small knife he had made for her last summer. She had died from a spear wound through her stomach, but she had died fighting. Cradling her body, Sung threw back his head in a cry of pain and anguish that echoed in the still mountain air. The blood from his scalp wound dripped onto his beloved's face as he closed her eyes, forming tears that ran down her fair cheek. Slowly he laid her body down, then stood up. He turned, gripping his blades, even the broken one. "Come," he smiled. "Let's dance."

The boy killed ten more seasoned warriors in single combat before finally dying. The leader of the Charr Warband, before he left, ordered a Flame Pyre built, dedicated to the memory of the sword-dancer and his love. Here the Charr buried the couple, and Sung’s blades with him. The Charr left the mountain tribes and villages alone after that incident. They felt that if one boy could kill twenty-two veteran warriors in defense of a dead loved one, the price of invading the rest of the tribes would be too costly to justify. They turned instead towards the soft lowland cities.

They turned towards Ascalon.

Ragnarok-
08-06-2005, 05:17
I have one word to describe that...

Amazing.

Skilganon the White
09-06-2005, 06:57
Thanks Ragnarok. I notice how few people actually respond to fanfics posted here. Its a real pleasure to see yours :D

listen
16-06-2005, 08:48
one of the best story i have read in here. touching and with sense
mayb i'm just soft but the part where he goes in without care just for love is really touching. but thats just me =p :happy65:

Canius Wolfe
22-06-2005, 20:25
Very eloquently written. Ashame he had to die. He'd of made a great vengence warrior in the fight against Charr from here on out...lol. Actually a fitting ending for such a powerful force as love....

Sgt Woopass
24-06-2005, 02:57
Dude that waz truly touching. If you make it so he doesnt die untill a lot later, im sure you can write a great novel if it waz longer maybe even a movie. Im dead serious this is some realy great stuff. Thanks for postin this i realy injoyed reading it. :D :happy34:

U shud submit to the Dark Library thingy

Viho
04-07-2005, 05:40
Very nice. There was one minor thing that bugged me just a bit though it doesn't detract from the overall work. The statement "let's dance" came across a little hollywood-ish to me. Maybe another way would've been better? Still, I liked it quite a bit and look forward to reading any other works you submit.

Skilganon the White
05-07-2005, 09:13
Very nice. There was one minor thing that bugged me just a bit though it doesn't detract from the overall work. The statement "let's dance" came across a little hollywood-ish to me. Maybe another way would've been better? Still, I liked it quite a bit and look forward to reading any other works you submit.


lol yes u caught me there. I was looking for a really short yet powerful enough sentence to send across a sentiment of hopelessness, yet full of deadly intent. Since he is a sword dancer, I thought it was quite appropriate. But yeah...it does sound hollywoodish :uhhuh:

Snake The Almighty
05-07-2005, 18:40
You should consider writing a book :happy65:

Grand Master Ezekiel
06-07-2005, 00:56
:eek: :eek: :eek: ........That..... my friend....... is amazing..... :clap:

Michal
07-07-2005, 21:46
wish i could write liek that

Viho
08-07-2005, 19:22
wish i could write liek that

So do I. I've never been able to write very well using the third person perspective. First person perspective has alway felt more natural.

jacob abbett of guild war
15-07-2005, 08:44
man that story rocks you shuld write books our a move scritpt :clap: :happy14:

James Satan
15-07-2005, 12:27
that does indeed get the five star, shiver-down-the-back award from me.

Firanne
24-07-2005, 02:53
AS someone who reads an enourmous amount of fiction, I can truthfully say that you could write with the best of them. Are you really an author already published, lurking here in disguise?

I look forward to reading more of your stories... :thumbsup: :worship: :happy65:

oney
25-07-2005, 10:09
You get me every time,all i have to
say now is to keep doing what your
doing becase its working. :happy34:

proudfoot
27-07-2005, 22:14
Everything needs a dissenting opinion...

You need to work on your basic grammar, still. Other than the formatting problems (random line breaks that I assume were caused by copy-pasting; not a big deal) you were missing quite a few commas, did some of your speech punctuation wrong, and had some other small but important errors. The story may be heart-wrenching, the plot may be decent, but if it has lots of minor mistakes it makes things hard to read.

I suggest re-reading your work a few times and making lots of small changes to the flow of the sentences and the grammar. It'll be worth it, especially if you want to submit it to the TDL.

You should also to do more Showing than Telling. For example, when the uncle remembers the event with Yun twisting her ankle and Sung leading the people to the rescue, maybe actually tell the story of that happening, maybe from the uncle's point-of-view as he follows Sung through the forest. It would add some much-needed length to the narrative, and would get the point across much better.

Also, the idea of the Charr, who are supposed to be filling the clichéd role of mindless, blood-thirsty, savage beasts, humanely piling up the corpses of their victims and burning them as an "honouring sacrifice" doesn't really fit. It would be much more in-character (and more tragic, in my mind) if Sung managed to find Yun's corpse and then died, and the Charr didn't even care, but just killed him and left him where he was.
Lastly, if the Charr were discouraged from attacking the villages just because one phenomenal warrior killed twenty-odd of their warriors, it isn't logical that they would abandon their conquest of the villages in favour of attacking the city. Ascalon City would be much more likely to have more of that kind of opponent waiting for them, along with fortifications and a far greater number of fighting men. According to the game, the Charr had a large enough army and enough mystical power to blow holes in the North Wall and over-run a pretty decent sized kingdom. One man killing twenty Charr would not discourage that kind of force.

With a bit of reworking this could be a decent story, but I'm not convinced yet.

Proudfoot

Skilganon the White
28-07-2005, 01:25
:happy34: Thanks for the great critique. Its really constructive. English isn't my native language (being Chinese), but I try not to make any grammatical or punctuation mistakes. Sometimes typing in a hurry doesn't help :(

Also, this was based off another story I wrote, about the Mongol invasion of China (I kinda transplanted it :happy53: ) so the last part, I felt, would be effective with that kinda pathos.

Lastly, I took some creative license with the Charr...who's to say they aren't more than just savages? They could have a legitimate (albeit deadly) reasons for invading Ascalon...well...thats what fanfics do, we imagine :idea:

Hope u can read my other story and give comments too, would really appreciate it

Skilganon the White
28-07-2005, 03:18
Oh btw...i also seem to be missing the edit function, cant seem to find it, so can't edit what i already posted :(
FYI I already sent this story to TDL and it was just accepted a couple of days ago! Too bad someone hacked TDL and erased all their stories. Dam haxors :mad:

RevenantsKnight
28-07-2005, 05:44
Oh btw...i also seem to be missing the edit function, cant seem to find it, so can't edit what i already posted :(

Don't bother looking. If this is like the other forums on the network, edits are allowed only in the first hour after a post is made.

Dominic
29-07-2005, 10:54
Wooow....that was very very good.

Tavari Tinde
17-08-2005, 23:52
Just came upon this story. Love how there's a distinctive Asian feel to it. Curious: do you read Jin Yong? or any others?

Mr Dead Wish
27-09-2005, 15:24
Very nice.
I like the contradictions in it and the drama of course.