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Aladar
04-08-2005, 12:53
I'm not quite sure where to go with this fic, but I like how it started and I want to continue it. I hope the great community here can critique it for me and maybe give a few suggestions... thanks guys. :D

The barren expanse of the Northern Mountain Range struck Cynn as surprising, though she knew not why. It had been nearly a year since the Searing and still she had yet to come to terms with the devastation wrought upon her land from the northern invaders. The tattered masses of grand citadels and hallowed monuments are all that remain to invite memories of her world - the world she loved - back into her thoughts. Jagged mountaintops that tear into the sky part the darkened clouds that loom over this once-great land of Ascalon.
Cynn turns her head in disgust at the sight she stares upon from atop the peak on which she stands. She chokes down her tears and clenches her delicate hand into a determined fist, returning her gaze to the range.
Why did it have to come to this, she thought.
The sun shines down onto her and casts a glow from the fair skin that adorns her body, then suddenly retreats behind a wall of cloud and is accompanied by a swift wind that whip her clothing about. Off in the distance, Cynn can vaguely make out the shape of a devourer crawling about the ground nipping into a burrow. The beast snaps into a small mammal’s home with its bone-hard pincer and manages to grasp the tail of a small, furry creature and very rapidly shoves the furball down its gullet. Its tails swings with contentment.
The apprentice elementalist attempts to gather her wits, but instead glares upon the devourer in a fury.
How dare those filthy creatures invade my land, she rages. While throwing around devilish thoughts in her head of ways to mutilate the beast, she is interrupted by Brother Mhenlo, one whose voice is all too familiar.
“Cynn,” he calls. “Get in here before the Charr spot you! You know how dangerous it is.”
She reluctantly returns to the small shack she has been calling a home as of late and slams the door behind her, rattling the entire structure. Her eyes are still lit while she pours herself a cup of lukewarm coffee and stares upon her companions, making a comment about the drink’s temperature and why the fire hasn’t been kept.
“You know we can’t afford to make a smoke plume, Cynn,” Devona interjects. Cynn closes her eyes and revels in her frustration, but accepts this and chooses not to make a rebuttal. She instead sets her dented tin cup down and orders sternly, “We need to keep moving.”
“Agreed,” Aidan chimes. Cynn glances at him with a scowl; she doesn’t trust this ranger from the South. She has just recently met him through Devona and to Cynn, this older man forced himself into their party and made himself their leader without consultation.

ichigosuchiko
05-08-2005, 17:56
I've got a query: Why are you writing in present tense? It spoils the story man.

Tanthalis
05-08-2005, 20:12
I'm not quite sure where to go with this fic, but I like how it started and I want to continue it. I hope the great community here can critique it for me and maybe give a few suggestions... thanks guys. :D

The barren expanse of the Northern Mountain Range struck Cynn as surprising, though she knew not why. It had been nearly a year since the Searing and still she had yet to come to terms with the devastation wrought upon her land from the northern invaders. The tattered masses of grand citadels and hallowed monuments are all that remain to invite memories of her world - the world she loved - back into her thoughts. Jagged mountaintops that tear into the sky part the darkened clouds that loom over this once-great land of Ascalon.
Cynn turns her head in disgust at the sight she stares upon from atop the peak on which she stands. She chokes down her tears and clenches her delicate hand into a determined fist, returning her gaze to the range.
Why did it have to come to this, she thought.
The sun shines down onto her and casts a glow from the fair skin that adorns her body, then suddenly retreats behind a wall of cloud and is accompanied by a swift wind that whip her clothing about. Off in the distance, Cynn can vaguely make out the shape of a devourer crawling about the ground nipping into a burrow. The beast snaps into a small mammal’s home with its bone-hard pincer and manages to grasp the tail of a small, furry creature and very rapidly shoves the furball down its gullet. Its tails swings with contentment.
The apprentice elementalist attempts to gather her wits, but instead glares upon the devourer in a fury.
How dare those filthy creatures invade my land, she rages. While throwing around devilish thoughts in her head of ways to mutilate the beast, she is interrupted by Brother Mhenlo, one whose voice is all too familiar.
“Cynn,” he calls. “Get in here before the Charr spot you! You know how dangerous it is.”
She reluctantly returns to the small shack she has been calling a home as of late and slams the door behind her, rattling the entire structure. Her eyes are still lit while she pours herself a cup of lukewarm coffee and stares upon her companions, making a comment about the drink’s temperature and why the fire hasn’t been kept.
“You know we can’t afford to make a smoke plume, Cynn,” Devona interjects. Cynn closes her eyes and revels in her frustration, but accepts this and chooses not to make a rebuttal. She instead sets her dented tin cup down and orders sternly, “We need to keep moving.”
“Agreed,” Aidan chimes. Cynn glances at him with a scowl; she doesn’t trust this ranger from the South. She has just recently met him through Devona and to Cynn, this older man forced himself into their party and made himself their leader without consultation.



I think at this stage of the story as each charactor is introduced for the firsat time you need to go in to a little detail on there back ground... for instance...

“Agreed,” Aidan chimes. Cynn glances at him with a scowl; she doesn’t trust this ranger from the South. With his Almond eyes, slight build and some what pointed ears he has some Elvin blood in him… All though they just met recently he has taken the role as leader but he is always so quiet and elufe I can not help but think he is hiding something. I have quietly voiced my worries to Brother Mhenlo, he assures me that my worries are unfounded and that we need Aidon. He is the best tracker & bowman in the group and has kept us fed for a week now by the traps he sets for what little small game is available now.

Doing it this way tells us something about each person and lets us paint our own picture of him in our minds… also all the books I have read that really grab my attention have a few things… a really good hearted person with a sour temper & some comic relief, or have two character at odds with one another…. Not hatred just mistrust. I agree that you should not write this in First person… having the entire story be told form one person view is VERY tough because you are going to want some thing to happen any from the main character or for other to have privet thought (so you can know them better)

This is just my two cents…

Here is how I would continue this story…


After a few min of starring at the floor (wanting nothing more than to push Aidan off the small cliff your hut stands on) you are broken form your thought by Brother Mhenlo voice “Hurry Aidon need us”. You had not realized that Aidon had left and gone scouting, so you quickly run to the door were Aidan is standing. He is winded from running but tells the party that a large group of Char is coming over the hill and they will come right next to the hut. The part spend a few min gathering there meager belongings and proceeds out of the hut and down to a small box canyon. Aidon says “if all is well and they pass the hut with no issue we can return before night fall”. Now you really want to throttle him, YOU were the one who found this canyon and you saved the group the first night at the hut by taken them here when a group of Char just happened to come up out of the valley. But Aidon is taking al the credit as usual.
But luck was not on your side this day… the Char milled around the hut for a few hours then one of the Shamans noticed your trail and a small group of 5 Char started down to your hideout. The only good new is that night was setting in and that put you on even ground with the Char. There night vision was no better than you’re… but you knew this area and they didn’t. As you all about the small canyon looking for a place to conceal yourself you notice that Aidan is moving toward the Char and his movement is almost silent. You had never really met a Ranger before so you had no idea that they could move so silent. Aidon tell you to cast Earth Armor on him them go hide while he try to take care of a few of these Char.
The Aragents, the gall… run and hide while he steals all the glory…. “Cast Earth Armor and then go hide”, what I would like to cast is a Fireball in his shorts….


again I am no author... so take this for what its worth

Aladar
06-08-2005, 02:48
I've got a query: Why are you writing in present tense? It spoils the story man.

I don't see how writing in the present tense ruins the story. I'm supposed to be writing it as it happens, so I have to write in the present tense. :)

And to Tanthalis, thanks for your input. That does give me an idea of how to continue, maybe add a small backstory and then fill in the rest as my fic goes on. I've done it before, and it seems to work.

ichigosuchiko
07-08-2005, 13:28
I don't see how writing in the present tense ruins the story. I'm supposed to be writing it as it happens, so I have to write in the present tense. :)

And to Tanthalis, thanks for your input. That does give me an idea of how to continue, maybe add a small backstory and then fill in the rest as my fic goes on. I've done it before, and it seems to work.

Sorry no offense meant...juz never saw a story done in present tense before. Guess I'l lagging. z.

SilentMoon
08-08-2005, 11:17
Hmm I have to agree with ichigo here... that present tense is a bit disturbing. I'm no native speaker myself so I may be a bit off, but I think I remember one of my english teachers way back explaining that in english, stories had to be told in past tense unless you go for dialogue. I've a read a good many books since then, and I can't say I recall one being written in present tense...

I tried to find evidence of this on the net and stumbled upon this (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_tensec.html), you might want to check it out... it never hurts. :happy34:

Tanthalis
08-08-2005, 20:10
Hmm I have to agree with ichigo here... that present tense is a bit disturbing. I'm no native speaker myself so I may be a bit off, but I think I remember one of my english teachers way back explaining that in english, stories had to be told in past tense unless you go for dialogue. I've a read a good many books since then, and I can't say I recall one being written in present tense...

I tried to find evidence of this on the net and stumbled upon this (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_tensec.html), you might want to check it out... it never hurts. :happy34:


OK now you have me confused.... I can see not writing in First person (i.e from ONE charactors poit) but all stories are writen in Present tense... you unfold the story as it happens... introducing charactors and plots AS they happen in the story.... if you write it in past tense then you have to have a Narater telling the story.... please carify for me.......

snowkissed
08-08-2005, 23:21
Not necessarily Tanthalis.

Here's an example.

Present tense.

"The woman takes the man's hand in hers and smiles softly."
First person:
"I take his hand in mine and smile softly."

Past tense.

"The woman took the man's hand in hers and smiled softly."
First person:
"I took his hand in mine and smiled softly."

Most stories are written in past tense. I find it a little odd when they're in present tense, but I get into the groove fairly quickly if it's interesting enough. And by no means does present tense spoil the story. I'm a little confused by that, to be honest.

Edit: Added first person following a reread of Tanthalis' post :happy05:

Tanthalis
09-08-2005, 00:37
Not necessarily Tanthalis.

Here's an example.

Present tense.

"The woman takes the man's hand in hers and smiles softly."
First person:
"I take his hand in mine and smile softly."

Past tense.

"The woman took the man's hand in hers and smiled softly."
First person:
"I took his hand in mine and smiled softly."

Most stories are written in past tense. I find it a little odd when they're in present tense, but I get into the groove fairly quickly if it's interesting enough. And by no means does present tense spoil the story. I'm a little confused by that, to be honest.

Edit: Added first person following a reread of Tanthalis' post :happy05:


Ya I guess I agrre... first person to me is tought to follow and some what limited.... but I agree if the story is good enough I can get in to it.... I read a lot of Dragon Lance & Forgotten realm and they are present tense (or I preceive them as present tense)... so I dont even notice when stuff is written that way