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Tanthalis
06-09-2005, 22:24
All,

I tried this story a few weeks ago and it many of you game me some constructive criticism... so I have spent the time reworking it.... please let me know what you think


Here are chapters 1 & 2


CHAPERT ONE

A Place of Dreams and Memories


Dressed in a white tunic and torn legging, a tall man stumbled from a cave at the edge of the Shiver Peak Mountains. Bathed in blood and gasping to catch his breath, the man leans against a massive boulder and looks at the weapon in his hands, “How did I get here?” Garrett thinks. Loosing himself in the memories of the last year his mind travels back to the beginning, back to the place were his old life ended and new one began. Back to a simple town, a place of no War, Thievery, & no great agenda’s, just hard work and of manual labor. How he hated it all !

Garrett awoke from yet another bad dream, the same nightmare that haunted his sleep since that fateful night two years ago. They had told him it was a lone char warrior separated from its' war band, that had stumbled across his mother bathing in the creek, when he had been only fourteen. The loss of his mother had hit hard, and Garrett had screamed at his father "I want VENGEANCE! A wicked cuff to his left ear sent him sprawling on the ground. What vengeance could you possible pursue? His father asked him. Tall for his age, yet not what you would call muscular, he did not even know one end of a sword from the other. It was of no consequence, either way. The dreams were not of violent and bloody vengeance, but of faces...faces with almond shaped eyes peer at him from the dark alcoves of the forest... Forests? Garrett wonders.

The Modest town of Dunes of Despair and even the Vultures Drift Valley it sits in has many things, Sand, Mountains, even Cactus. But Tree’s were a rare site with the exception of the few planted “Bison Square”. So why were eyes looking at him through trees? It made no sense, but not much since his mother’s death has made sense. All his life Garret has felt like an outcast, He was always been the tallest, fastest, and in most cases smartest among his pears. He could never hide his height, but in an attempt to fit in he would fain ignorance or would come in second when he was more than capable of beating his opponents. If that was not bad enough after Nala’s death he felt strange, as if he was changing some how, at first he thought it was lack of sleep and his mind was playing trick on him, but as time went on he could feel the changes, his eyesight always good had gotten better. His skin itched and muscles ached almost constantly. The itching was the worst, because it interfered with his day to day activates and at least once a day would earn him a backhand from his father Hogar. Life had gone from bad to worse for Garrett and his fathers constant drinking had made his fathers attitude go from Dour to outright vicious.

Hogar was a brutal man that ran his household like a tyrant, but he was not always that way, Hogar was once a very loving and protective husband and father, but Nala’s death had changed him. Garret followed in Hogar’s footsteps not out of respect but because Carapace farming is all he has ever known. He hated every minute of every day spent doing it, but each Poison Devourer caught provides a Carapace for trading & about 1lb of eatable meat. Getting the meat was an argues task of Boiling and needing that took over an hours because the Devourer flesh was laden with Poison and one missed step in the process would cause the death of many who ate it.
So Garrett got up every morning and head for Shallow Pass, set his traps and waited. Some days it would take two or three hours sitting in the scorching sun before he caught a single devourer. The Dunes are a very self-reliant town and most people have multiple jobs. But the Dunes also has very lopsided economy, there are not many truly rich people in the there so much of the population vie for the few extra jobs available to make ends meet. Garrett has always been extremely nimble & dexterous, more so that any in town so make extra money repairing locks & traps comes easy to him. After two years he had become quite good at picking & disabling as well as fixing them and could do it strictly by touch.
Night were the worst for Garret for that is when the nightmares would start, standing alone in almost complete darkness the voice would start, quit at first speaking in a tongs he had never heard. Then the voices grew louder and more urgent. A scream! … Then another, by the inflection garret could tell it was men, woman and even children. Then all would go silent and the eyes would start appearing through the darkness.

Some times the dream changed slightly but always ended with the eyes staring at him. Haunted by those eyes Garrett would lay awake staring out his window and wondering what was out there, if there was life other than that he had knows. “Some day I will see the world, the Ocean, Grass, and yes even trees”, Garrett thought. Not sleeping but a few hours a night was bad but the boredom of complete quite started to take it toll and with almost every child of garrets age boredom lead to mischief. So Garrett had taken to sneaking out his window at night and applying his newly developed skills on the upper class Rune & Dye merchants. Garrett realized that taking expensive Dye’s or Runes will be missed and the town will go on lockdown till they are found, so he would take small amount of gold or jewels that will not cause any one to be overly concerned and in doing so has accumulated a modest cash that he keep hidden. For Garrett it had little to do with monetary gain, all though he was hoping to use it some day to leave and go see the world. For Garrett is was the thrill of holding the cold lock in his hands and feeling the tumbler fall as he carefully moved his pick around. The tension of entering a room and knowing that being caught would equal death, and the exhilaration of getting away with it all. Days turn in to week, weeks to months, and months to years. One day a stranger showed up in town, one that would change Garrets life forever.

Garret feels himself snap back to the present, His hands and arms are sticky with drying blood. The last bit of hatred drains from his eyes as he look’s down into the valley at Morgan walking up the slope towards him, behind Morgan, Garrett can see many almond shaped eyes looking at him through the trees.

“Morgan…. One of my only true friends” Garrett thinks, as his mind slips back to the past and remembers the first meeting with his teacher.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------


CHAPTER TWO

A new comer in Dunes OF Despair

The rumor mill works fast in The Dunes. Newcomers are not uncommon, traders come and go staying a few days or even a week to peddle there wares, but this one “Morgan he calls himself” was different in many ways. Although he wore no extravagant fineries he spent money openly and often, Renting the finest merchant stand with large living quarters attached and buying the finest food and drink, he quickly became a favorite at “The Crooked Stein” the town one and only pub. Morgan’s actions while rare were not unheard of and were not what got the gossips going. Morgan was a dwarf; well he was kind of a dwarf. Off his square Dwarven jaw he sported a beard that was but a few inches long, he wore his extremely long hair in a ponytail coming almost straight up off the top of his head. Morgan’s small Dwarven frame was stout and powerful, but unlike other dwarfs that wore large boots and walked as if they were crushing rocks, Morgan wore soft fur-lined boots and could move with such fluidity it was almost alarming. He was polite and even generous with his gold, all things a dwarf was not! Morgan in short was a walking oxymoron.



The next day was very cold & foggy, not a good day to hunt Devourers, Garrett decided to do a little snooping and took too shadowing the newcomer. Standing quietly just outside his shop and listening intently Garret over heard many conversations, All were mere chit chat, conversation of the weather or what supplies he sold. Garret knew why they were all there, Morgan was different they anything they had ever seen but no one would press Morgan for his lineage.. Just as Garret was going to give up Sharah a five year old walked by and said quite matter of factually “you look funny, why do you were your hair so weird” Morgan not upset in the least said put down the bracelet he had been working on and approached Sharah “well that’s my Top knot and all my people were them”. Sarah’s face wrinkled up in thought asked “what kind of people are you?”, with that Morgan threw his head back in a fit of laughter and said “ well Little one, My father is Boriden Battlestriker a Dwarf of the Nesmi Minds and my Mother is Sleeka Slipnot a Kender from the town of “Two Mules” Many month travel my sea. With that Sharah smiled and skipped away.


Interesting Garret thought, nice guy, lots of money & would be gone soon. What better of a mark could he ask for? That night after getting in to another fight with his father, this black eye and fat lip showed it was not all verbal, Garret went out the window in search for what he knew would be some easy money. Several minuets later garret spotted Hogar leaving the house on the way to the “Crooked Stein”, were he was spending increasingly amounts of time & money lately. Hogar never spotted Garrett crouching quietly on a roof top a few houses away, but Garrett could see Hogar clear even though it was a pitch black night and the moon was just a sliver in the sky. More to the point he could see Hogar’s body outlines in a soft pink light. He called it his “Night Light” as was something that his mother had forbid him to mention to ANYONE, EVER. She told him that the others would think him a daemon and banish him from The Dunes forever. Garret true to his mother never told anyone about his “Night Light” but that did not stop him from using it from time to time and to become supreme Hide and go seek champion. What’s better is if he really concentrated he would see peoples silhouette through tents and even some walls. But it worked the best when he was in “Bison Square”. Bison Square was park of sorts in the center of town were all the merchants stands were located. It was only about 50 yards square but it had grass and about four very tall “Cedar Loop” trees. Garret would spend many of his days and night there when he could because his mother had planted those trees when Garret was born, so for some reason he felt close to here then he sat in there branches.

Garret quietly stands and reaches inside the chimney extracting a package wrapped in black soot cloth. He laid it on the roof and unfolded it carefully. Inside were small delicate pieces of metal in many different shaped and designs. He examined them carefully and wrapped them up. Placing them in his belt he gave them a pat, now that he had his “key to the city” as he half jokingly called his bag he was ready to go to work.

Slipping quietly from roof to roof he was able to silently slide on the a limb of one of the tallest “Cedar Loop” trees and overlook the stand that Morgan was now calling home. About and Hour later Morgan came out though the door and stretches, took a look around and start off in the direct of the Crooked Stein. Morgan froze in place for just an instant…. then yawned and stretched again, craning his head as to work a kink free. Then his head stopped and Garrett could swear Morgan was looking straight at him, “but that was impossible” Garret thought it is almost pitch black and he was sitting motionless on the limb and although Garrett can not make out facial features with his Night light he could have swore that Morgan got a huge smile on his face.

A bit unnerved Garret waited an extra few minuets as Morgan rounded the corner going to the pub, then he slipped down from the tree and moved silently up the side staircase to the Morgan’s Loft. Retrieving his “key to the city” from his belt he knelt and began to work quickly and quietly on the locked door. This was a better lock than he had seen before, “must be one Morgan added” he thought. But no worries it might take a few extra minuets but he would get it. No sooner did he finish the thought then Pop off came the lock. With a huge smile Garret entered the room.

Lavish quarters they were, lots of space and it would appear that Morgan has done some decorating. On the wall are many tapestries and a beautiful medallion that was about 3’ across and had a ½” hole in the middle, but all around the hole were Gold leaf designs of Dragons & other winged creatures that Garret had never seam before. On the opposite wall Garrett spotted what he had came for …. A Chest! Creeping over he immediately went to work on the lock. “Now this lock is tough” Garret said under his breath. It had extra tumblers inside and even two locking plates.
“Aaah There is got it” he said, but it didn’t open. “Hmm that’s…. OUCH!” something hit him in the back, it felt like a bee had stung him, but before “we don’t have bees in the…… Zzzzzzzz . Before Garret could finish his thought he was sound asleep….

Garret got a smile on his face and even snickers a bit as he washes the blood from his hands.
What was that for BOY, ya dam there got yourself killed in there, Said Morgan from behind him.
“I was not laughing at that ya old coot “Garret said between snickers. I was thinking back to our first real meeting.
Ya mean the nap you took in me parlor? Teased Morgan,
Yep that’s the one.
Its good the see ya smile again
With that Garret quickly put a scowled on his face… “HE GOT AWAY!”
We will catch him boy don’t ya fret.

Garret went back to washing his hands and thinking how silly he must have looked when Morgan found him draped over the chest sound asleep.

Tanthalis
07-09-2005, 18:21
come on everyone..... 18 looks and no replys

if it sucks tell me so...LOL















All,

I tried this story a few weeks ago and it many of you game me some constructive criticism... so I have spent the time reworking it.... please let me know what you think


Here are chapters 1 & 2


CHAPERT ONE

A Place of Dreams and Memories


Dressed in a white tunic and torn legging, a tall man stumbled from a cave at the edge of the Shiver Peak Mountains. Bathed in blood and gasping to catch his breath, the man leans against a massive boulder and looks at the weapon in his hands, “How did I get here?” Garrett thinks. Loosing himself in the memories of the last year his mind travels back to the beginning, back to the place were his old life ended and new one began. Back to a simple town, a place of no War, Thievery, & no great agenda’s, just hard work and of manual labor. How he hated it all !

Garrett awoke from yet another bad dream, the same nightmare that haunted his sleep since that fateful night two years ago. They had told him it was a lone char warrior separated from its' war band, that had stumbled across his mother bathing in the creek, when he had been only fourteen. The loss of his mother had hit hard, and Garrett had screamed at his father "I want VENGEANCE! A wicked cuff to his left ear sent him sprawling on the ground. What vengeance could you possible pursue? His father asked him. Tall for his age, yet not what you would call muscular, he did not even know one end of a sword from the other. It was of no consequence, either way. The dreams were not of violent and bloody vengeance, but of faces...faces with almond shaped eyes peer at him from the dark alcoves of the forest... Forests? Garrett wonders.

The Modest town of Dunes of Despair and even the Vultures Drift Valley it sits in has many things, Sand, Mountains, even Cactus. But Tree’s were a rare site with the exception of the few planted “Bison Square”. So why were eyes looking at him through trees? It made no sense, but not much since his mother’s death has made sense. All his life Garret has felt like an outcast, He was always been the tallest, fastest, and in most cases smartest among his pears. He could never hide his height, but in an attempt to fit in he would fain ignorance or would come in second when he was more than capable of beating his opponents. If that was not bad enough after Nala’s death he felt strange, as if he was changing some how, at first he thought it was lack of sleep and his mind was playing trick on him, but as time went on he could feel the changes, his eyesight always good had gotten better. His skin itched and muscles ached almost constantly. The itching was the worst, because it interfered with his day to day activates and at least once a day would earn him a backhand from his father Hogar. Life had gone from bad to worse for Garrett and his fathers constant drinking had made his fathers attitude go from Dour to outright vicious.

Hogar was a brutal man that ran his household like a tyrant, but he was not always that way, Hogar was once a very loving and protective husband and father, but Nala’s death had changed him. Garret followed in Hogar’s footsteps not out of respect but because Carapace farming is all he has ever known. He hated every minute of every day spent doing it, but each Poison Devourer caught provides a Carapace for trading & about 1lb of eatable meat. Getting the meat was an argues task of Boiling and needing that took over an hours because the Devourer flesh was laden with Poison and one missed step in the process would cause the death of many who ate it.
So Garrett got up every morning and head for Shallow Pass, set his traps and waited. Some days it would take two or three hours sitting in the scorching sun before he caught a single devourer. The Dunes are a very self-reliant town and most people have multiple jobs. But the Dunes also has very lopsided economy, there are not many truly rich people in the there so much of the population vie for the few extra jobs available to make ends meet. Garrett has always been extremely nimble & dexterous, more so that any in town so make extra money repairing locks & traps comes easy to him. After two years he had become quite good at picking & disabling as well as fixing them and could do it strictly by touch.
Night were the worst for Garret for that is when the nightmares would start, standing alone in almost complete darkness the voice would start, quit at first speaking in a tongs he had never heard. Then the voices grew louder and more urgent. A scream! … Then another, by the inflection garret could tell it was men, woman and even children. Then all would go silent and the eyes would start appearing through the darkness.

Some times the dream changed slightly but always ended with the eyes staring at him. Haunted by those eyes Garrett would lay awake staring out his window and wondering what was out there, if there was life other than that he had knows. “Some day I will see the world, the Ocean, Grass, and yes even trees”, Garrett thought. Not sleeping but a few hours a night was bad but the boredom of complete quite started to take it toll and with almost every child of garrets age boredom lead to mischief. So Garrett had taken to sneaking out his window at night and applying his newly developed skills on the upper class Rune & Dye merchants. Garrett realized that taking expensive Dye’s or Runes will be missed and the town will go on lockdown till they are found, so he would take small amount of gold or jewels that will not cause any one to be overly concerned and in doing so has accumulated a modest cash that he keep hidden. For Garrett it had little to do with monetary gain, all though he was hoping to use it some day to leave and go see the world. For Garrett is was the thrill of holding the cold lock in his hands and feeling the tumbler fall as he carefully moved his pick around. The tension of entering a room and knowing that being caught would equal death, and the exhilaration of getting away with it all. Days turn in to week, weeks to months, and months to years. One day a stranger showed up in town, one that would change Garrets life forever.

Garret feels himself snap back to the present, His hands and arms are sticky with drying blood. The last bit of hatred drains from his eyes as he look’s down into the valley at Morgan walking up the slope towards him, behind Morgan, Garrett can see many almond shaped eyes looking at him through the trees.

“Morgan…. One of my only true friends” Garrett thinks, as his mind slips back to the past and remembers the first meeting with his teacher.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------


CHAPTER TWO

A new comer in Dunes OF Despair

The rumor mill works fast in The Dunes. Newcomers are not uncommon, traders come and go staying a few days or even a week to peddle there wares, but this one “Morgan he calls himself” was different in many ways. Although he wore no extravagant fineries he spent money openly and often, Renting the finest merchant stand with large living quarters attached and buying the finest food and drink, he quickly became a favorite at “The Crooked Stein” the town one and only pub. Morgan’s actions while rare were not unheard of and were not what got the gossips going. Morgan was a dwarf; well he was kind of a dwarf. Off his square Dwarven jaw he sported a beard that was but a few inches long, he wore his extremely long hair in a ponytail coming almost straight up off the top of his head. Morgan’s small Dwarven frame was stout and powerful, but unlike other dwarfs that wore large boots and walked as if they were crushing rocks, Morgan wore soft fur-lined boots and could move with such fluidity it was almost alarming. He was polite and even generous with his gold, all things a dwarf was not! Morgan in short was a walking oxymoron.



The next day was very cold & foggy, not a good day to hunt Devourers, Garrett decided to do a little snooping and took too shadowing the newcomer. Standing quietly just outside his shop and listening intently Garret over heard many conversations, All were mere chit chat, conversation of the weather or what supplies he sold. Garret knew why they were all there, Morgan was different they anything they had ever seen but no one would press Morgan for his lineage.. Just as Garret was going to give up Sharah a five year old walked by and said quite matter of factually “you look funny, why do you were your hair so weird” Morgan not upset in the least said put down the bracelet he had been working on and approached Sharah “well that’s my Top knot and all my people were them”. Sarah’s face wrinkled up in thought asked “what kind of people are you?”, with that Morgan threw his head back in a fit of laughter and said “ well Little one, My father is Boriden Battlestriker a Dwarf of the Nesmi Minds and my Mother is Sleeka Slipnot a Kender from the town of “Two Mules” Many month travel my sea. With that Sharah smiled and skipped away.


Interesting Garret thought, nice guy, lots of money & would be gone soon. What better of a mark could he ask for? That night after getting in to another fight with his father, this black eye and fat lip showed it was not all verbal, Garret went out the window in search for what he knew would be some easy money. Several minuets later garret spotted Hogar leaving the house on the way to the “Crooked Stein”, were he was spending increasingly amounts of time & money lately. Hogar never spotted Garrett crouching quietly on a roof top a few houses away, but Garrett could see Hogar clear even though it was a pitch black night and the moon was just a sliver in the sky. More to the point he could see Hogar’s body outlines in a soft pink light. He called it his “Night Light” as was something that his mother had forbid him to mention to ANYONE, EVER. She told him that the others would think him a daemon and banish him from The Dunes forever. Garret true to his mother never told anyone about his “Night Light” but that did not stop him from using it from time to time and to become supreme Hide and go seek champion. What’s better is if he really concentrated he would see peoples silhouette through tents and even some walls. But it worked the best when he was in “Bison Square”. Bison Square was park of sorts in the center of town were all the merchants stands were located. It was only about 50 yards square but it had grass and about four very tall “Cedar Loop” trees. Garret would spend many of his days and night there when he could because his mother had planted those trees when Garret was born, so for some reason he felt close to here then he sat in there branches.

Garret quietly stands and reaches inside the chimney extracting a package wrapped in black soot cloth. He laid it on the roof and unfolded it carefully. Inside were small delicate pieces of metal in many different shaped and designs. He examined them carefully and wrapped them up. Placing them in his belt he gave them a pat, now that he had his “key to the city” as he half jokingly called his bag he was ready to go to work.

Slipping quietly from roof to roof he was able to silently slide on the a limb of one of the tallest “Cedar Loop” trees and overlook the stand that Morgan was now calling home. About and Hour later Morgan came out though the door and stretches, took a look around and start off in the direct of the Crooked Stein. Morgan froze in place for just an instant…. then yawned and stretched again, craning his head as to work a kink free. Then his head stopped and Garrett could swear Morgan was looking straight at him, “but that was impossible” Garret thought it is almost pitch black and he was sitting motionless on the limb and although Garrett can not make out facial features with his Night light he could have swore that Morgan got a huge smile on his face.

A bit unnerved Garret waited an extra few minuets as Morgan rounded the corner going to the pub, then he slipped down from the tree and moved silently up the side staircase to the Morgan’s Loft. Retrieving his “key to the city” from his belt he knelt and began to work quickly and quietly on the locked door. This was a better lock than he had seen before, “must be one Morgan added” he thought. But no worries it might take a few extra minuets but he would get it. No sooner did he finish the thought then Pop off came the lock. With a huge smile Garret entered the room.

Lavish quarters they were, lots of space and it would appear that Morgan has done some decorating. On the wall are many tapestries and a beautiful medallion that was about 3’ across and had a ½” hole in the middle, but all around the hole were Gold leaf designs of Dragons & other winged creatures that Garret had never seam before. On the opposite wall Garrett spotted what he had came for …. A Chest! Creeping over he immediately went to work on the lock. “Now this lock is tough” Garret said under his breath. It had extra tumblers inside and even two locking plates.
“Aaah There is got it” he said, but it didn’t open. “Hmm that’s…. OUCH!” something hit him in the back, it felt like a bee had stung him, but before “we don’t have bees in the…… Zzzzzzzz . Before Garret could finish his thought he was sound asleep….

Garret got a smile on his face and even snickers a bit as he washes the blood from his hands.
What was that for BOY, ya dam there got yourself killed in there, Said Morgan from behind him.
“I was not laughing at that ya old coot “Garret said between snickers. I was thinking back to our first real meeting.
Ya mean the nap you took in me parlor? Teased Morgan,
Yep that’s the one.
Its good the see ya smile again
With that Garret quickly put a scowled on his face… “HE GOT AWAY!”
We will catch him boy don’t ya fret.

Garret went back to washing his hands and thinking how silly he must have looked when Morgan found him draped over the chest sound asleep.

ichigosuchiko
07-09-2005, 20:39
:happy34: Storyline looks promising...however brush up on the grammar and vocab.

Ragnarok-
07-09-2005, 23:01
Good story, I enjoyed the events. I finally had time to read it all at one sitting, i've been really busy lately and haven't had much time to read fanfics. It's promising, just work on your grammatical errors and it should be fine. Also, some parts are confusing because of the punctuation. Keep it up!